tried to post here several times but i always ended giving up in the middle of the post for lack of things to say. it seems that all i have to say, i’ve said before and has been said by someone else.

but here i go again (thanks for the query, weonhee).

it’s the new year and i feel myself aging. not just yet physically, though i combat this rigorously, spending most of my paltry income on facials, facial lotion (oil of olay daily, creme de la mer when i can), pilates classes, sleeping — but inside, i’m aging, rapidly.

and as with age, all things non-essential begin to fall away. and things you cared about in your youth (fame, power, money, name your sin) are rendered meaningless by experience. but the things that remain, usually people, become ever more important, more stressful, and the doubts and fears and hopes i have for my friends and family grow deeper, more insistent.

and i can see how at one point, one could not be afraid of death.

…

i’ve been reading, as always. please read, it’s the only pleasure that’s stayed with me all these years. i haven’t written much but the imperative to write grows stronger, louder everyday.

…

the frenchman and i are fine, great. we just got back from barbados. we sunned and swam in the ocean and made love occasionally. we ate from the take-out place next door to our hotel, watched “the shield,” and fell asleep early.

…

the doctor showed up at my door christmas day. the frenchman was inside my apt and wasn’t too happy that i received a text from the doctor to come outside. i sent the doctor away. as expected, he called, texted, and emailed me. i didn’t reply. even though i thought of replies, and i thought of our past and i re-lived everything all over again. i felt bad for him, bad for myself, and bad for what had been us.

i don’t reply to him because i guess what he needs to know, i can’t say. and if i could say it, he wouldn’t understand. aye, there’s the rub.

i don’t have much confidence that he will end up happy. whatever that means, more good days than bad, i guess. but i comfort myself in the knowledge that he has always been that way: not-happy. before me, while he was with me, and after me. and so, it is not as if i deprived him of something.

but i’m going to hope and pray anyways. i don’t know how. i can’t fathom a way out for him but i’m only me. brooklyn is beautiful, winter thaws and spring comes shyly at first but the trees and cloudless, sunny sky … life is so much larger than we can imagine and full of surprises and grace and most of all mercy. if we want it, that is.