or perhaps whatever can be articulated is falsely put. j.m. coetzee, waiting for the barbarians.
the parts of me that survived, i doled out to different men. those parts were real and true (i did not cheat anyone), but small nevertheless and with my flesh touched by so many, i feel myself slowly dissolving. i find no meaning in life; loving the doctor had always been a sacrifice on my part, and that kind of suffering, petty and self-involved as it was, made me feel worthy. i no longer love him, so where is the meaning?
again, too much cocaine. i felt badly last night and brought a knife to my bed, no cuts but somehow i woke up with bruises the size of dimes, origins unknown:
actually the one at the base of my index finger i got at le souk (east village, recommended). i got so high i accidentally dropped my brand new iphone in the toilet and then pounded the hell out of it to get the water out. it smells like piss and won’t turn on, save to show me the broken apple sign…which is pretty symbolic of how i feel about my life right now.
met up with d. this past friday. some of you may remember him, he went to college with me, was a fourth year when i was a first year. we met once, very briefly, i shook his hand and scurried out of the room. i was shy and harbored a mild crush on him. this was fall of 2001. he found me on friendster after i graduated and we ended up talking on and off. i never felt that i was close to him— though we’d spend hours on the phone. he was a friend of jeff’s, which made me wary. and for past several years, i’ve put off meeting him every time i flew into nyc. when he found out i was living here, he demanded a date. i stalled again for several weeks but finally gave in this past friday. it was an awkward reunion, it’s been nearly 7 years since i’d last seen him. he picked me up in brooklyn after drinking with his attending in westchester. he is also, unfortunately in medicine, pgy-2 surgical resident, same track as the doctor but 5 years younger.
he looked exactly the same, still pale and brooding. the doctor is quite handsome himself, very much a dandy with doe eyes curtained off by thick lashes; people always ask if he’s half white. d., the surgeon, on the other hand is very attractive, in a very korean way. strong jaw, slim, glittering eyes framed by thick eyebrows. i fuck you not, in person he looks exactly like this guy:
remember him? the villain in old boy…d. came up to my doorstep minus the gun and guts. we drank, i took some lines, i smoked some, i rolled him a joint and then asked him if he was going to kiss me. his response: i should leave. i shrugged my shoulders, do what you have to do. and then coming close to me, he placed his hand in the crook of my neck. good, amazing kisser, assertive, passionate and in control. and because of his size (he’s very buff, meaty) i felt small and crushed when he wrapped his arms around me.
he was unexpectedly tender, in the morning he touched my face, kept stroking my hair back from the forehead. i wanted to stay in that moment, but i couldn’t help but think of lenny in of mice and men and how easily this man could snap my neck.
i broke it off with the frenchman today, wrote an email. he probably read it on his blackberry waking up in his girlfriend’s apartment. here’s something about nyc: no one dates, they just fuck and yet everyone has someone that they can’t quite get rid of. we took a stroll in central park last thursday. and the cameras were rolling: he held my hand, the afternoon was bending into a grey evening light, he was wearing a suit, i was wearing a dress, and the wind kept moving us from bench to bench as he held and kissed me. i like being with him (he’s smart, humble, quiet) and my libido loves him but everything between us is a deception, and i easily fall prey to lies, especially beautiful fucking lies. i don’t know what it is about him, maybe it’s that his eyes keep changing color on me, i swear they were sea-green one afternoon. looking at him, i can’t seem to get a hold of him, of who he is; he does not want to show me. i cannot blame him.
