i paid $100 to sign up for eharmony. que? yeah, i thought i’d try my hand at this online-personality-algorithm and try to pick up some serious men on a mature forum, in this godforsaken undateable city. que? because i am sinking my youth into the doctor and the wayward frenchman, and i have to try my best, i have to want to, (and i do want to) lead a life of health and happiness. i choose stability, a brownstone, a robust 401k; i choose a quiet, simple life and turn my back on self-destruction, abuse, drugs, and the pursuit of meaninglessness…except in literature.

that said, i went out on a date with a korean guy this past friday who was shorter and fatter than his pictures (think kim jong il) and even more full himself than i had surmised by our emails and phone calls. but i went, because i couldn’t cancel. it was basically the worst date that i’d ever been on; he was rude, crazy, and yelling at me the entire dinner. he lectured me on the greatness of hemingway, fitzgerald, and melville for more than 90 minutes. he asked me no questions and interrupted me when i tried to speak. when i said that i liked steinbeck, he scoffed and said, “steinbeck is sort of one-dimensional, don’t you think?” when i mentioned books/movies he didn’t know, he looked at me with homicidal intent and said, “i’ve never heard of it. it must not exist.”

some other incredible things came out of this guy’s mouth but the most laughable one was when i pulled out my credit card to pay for my half of dinner and he smirked, waved his black amex in my face and exclaimed, “i’m rich.”

riiiight,  i insisted on paying my half and did so. i thought it was the most polite way of telling him that i would have nothing to do with him thereafter. anyways, what did i learn from this?

1. the world is populated by crazies.

2. i’m not as materialistic as i thought.

3. since eharmony “matches” you up with people based on an extensive personality test; something about me must attract sociopaths (see #1).