Strange, having to write here after writing on xanga for so long. I didn’t know how having a certain audience in mind tailored my writing. I sound retarded. I mean that on xanga I know a certain number of people will read my post, so I tend to tighten up my sentences but here, no one is reading and therefore I am free to be as ugly with my writing as I (don’t) want to be.
Even stranger: I saw a stranger twice. How often does that happen? First you notice a stranger on the street, she may be attractive, or not but you remember her face. Something about her piqued your interest. This happened to me this afternoon when I left the doctor’s place (in Brooklyn). An Asian girl who was wearing a loud, green striped dress. She was slim, and while nothing was wrong with her face (large eyes, high nose, small mouth), she was completely unattractive. But she caught my attention because of this… because she pronounced how rare beauty is? Even gifted with a svelte frame and the right parts, no divine hand thought to put those eyes/nose/lips to the correct ratio and location. I thought that unfortunate. Anyways, I saw her again walking down Broadway on my way to the cafe I am at right now in Soho. My jaw dropped seeing her, this misplaced recognition.
I saw Ishmael last night. It’s been nearly a year since I’d last seen him and I was predictably nervous before dinner. We met at Stanton Social and I was under the impression that he was bringing a male friend, so I brought Ru. You should have heard my nervous, high-pitched cackle when he walked in with his ex-girlfriend (I only knew that she was she because he had sent a picture to me long ago). She was sweet, very accomplished (two time Harvard degreed), but also a bore. I got drunk quickly and the party dispersed after dinner.
In the morning, I went over my behavior and concluded I acted like a complete, transparent fool. I giggled, I made eye contact and most of all, I found him incredibly attractive and if he hadn’t been sloshed beyond belief he would have seen it, and used it against me. No man has made me that nervous since I was fourteen.
Some vows I’m making:
1. Never speak to Ishmael again. Do not respond to his aim messages, text messages or phone calls. I used to think that if I ignored him on purpose he’d know that he had been important to me and the best thing was for him to think I didn’t care, and if I didn’t care I wouldn’t go through the trouble of ignoring him. Pathetic.
2. Hang out with the Frenchman more often. He is really, really good in bed. Honest, humble. Very smart. The other weekend, high as hell in my bedroom he told me that his father died of cancer when he was 16. I asked “what kind?” and he pointed to his chest and stomach, “lungs and liver, partied too much.” he smiled this sad smile and I wanted to…eat him. Devour him, hold him. I know he can’t speak English, and thinks art is dead and also dresses like a teenage drug dealer…but there is something, very tender between us. That’s all I can say, but everyone knows, I’m quickly won over.
3. Try to use all the time I have left to write. Which really means one thing: no sleeping over at the doctor’s place since every time I’m there I eat shit, wake up late and don’t go to the gym. I got a job offer from an asset management firm, no cash money however. I’m making approximately 4k more than I did at the other firm. I’m sort of glad that I didn’t get the position at the hedge fund–just thinking about my prospective salary there made me giddy and dumb. This is good; being unsuccessful materially makes it easier for me to choose writing.
Still I haven’t been reading. Sometimes I get obsessed with reading novels and then my New Yorkers and Paris Reviews stack up, ignored. I’m slowly going through Nabokov’s “Bend Sinister,” and conversely quickly going through my outdated literary magazines. The recent issue of the Paris Review has an excellent interview with Umberto Eco.
On comedy, Eco says:
“I have a suspicion that it is linked with the fact that we are the only animals who know we must die. The other animals don’t know it. They understand it only on the spot, in the moment that they die. They are unable to articulate anything like the statement: all men are mortal.
…I think comedy is the quintessential human reaction to the fear of death.”
I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. All of which I have failed to write down. But one thing that has been persistent: mortality, the inseparable flesh. Most of you know that I keep that one line from Nabokov, “all is flesh, all is pure,” close to my heart. It helps me from leading too many lives at once, from losing a sense of self. Ishmael, of all people, warned me against duplicity—“hold onto to the anxiety you feel when you lie.” I always want to do what I intend to do, and hope that what I am doing hurts the least amount of people (notice though, within any action, damage is inevitable). I think of the doctor and the love I bear for him, which has been tried and aged. When he comes home and smells to high heaven of sweat, blood and piss—I still hold him and kiss him. Though he’s as handsome as ever, he’s aged so much from the first time I met him. It’s a reminder that someday he will die and most likely I will live a bit longer. And while I can imagine (and even welcome) perpetual separation from one another, the thought of existing in a world where he does not fills me with an utter and thrilling sense of loneliness and abandonment.
unome says:
i can’t believe you left, you’re a part of my subscriptions elite.
and i tried to conjure up an image of what a teenaged drug dealer looks like and i realized i simply have to look at my brother.
lastly, its weird seeing alex’s name up there. he’s a good friend of mine…pity he doesn’t post his work anymore.
fuck, all the good writers are leaving xanga.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:00 am
unome says:
lol, i love my website url.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:01 am
dks says:
holla.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:34 am
euni says:
yo. see you TOMORROW BIATCHHHHHHHH!
hahahahaha…
i
am
so
excited.
*faint*
August 13th, 2008 at 5:34 am
dacrazyrabbit says:
still reading
August 18th, 2008 at 6:40 pm